Recharge.

I quietly sit and my hands shake. Nothing obvious, but a gentle tremor through my entire body. I feel like I'm coming down from some heavy duty drug and stay in bed, out of view and out of reach.

I have not spoken with her since early yesterday. I need time away from her completely, to recharge and not chance me saying something I'll be sorry for. It's an exercise in restraint.
She goes outside to CG in the garden where he is planting herbs and tries to make conversation. CG is polite in the extreme, but simply carries on with what he is doing. We both are disgusted with her.

I make a point of keeping quiet, and not mentioning any of what's going on here to others in the family. They are all scattered over Australia and the last thing they need is to feel another dam crisis, procured by her constant needs of attention. In fact as I write this, it occurs to me that this is what it's all about. She has also taken to not eating unless a meal is put in front of her, and has been losing weight consistently. The refrigerator is full to overflowing with gorgeous things to eat, and come to think of it, she has refused to even make herself a cup of tea and a sandwich since I arrived here almost a year ago.

By the time I have 'catered' to her, and her never ending needs for attention, done the things that need doing, squeeze in some time with CG, think a few thoughts of my own, I am exhausted and have not the energy to be up and happy for Papa at the hospice.
All that's happening is me burning out resentfully.

I will self medicate and sleep. Anything, not to see her face, to hear her voice today.
This is not going to go away in any great hurry. And I need to make some plans.