Time waster

It certainly changes daily, this irritation thing I have. I have often wondered if having the lads so early, 19 and then another little boy 10 1/2 months later has anything to do with the importance I put on quiet uninterrupted time. That is not entirely accurate, I have not been interrupted at all, I have just spent two hours in silence 'hearing' her intense "I'm not getting what I want when I want it' vibe.

The Home Care have a 10am appointment to pick her up every Tuesday and Thursday morning and take her to the Hospice to be with Papa, or to Bingo, or wherever else she might like to go. And each week she sits at the kitchen table, done up to the nines at 8am, waiting for them to arrive. For the entire two hours she sits there cussing under her breath because they are 'late', and hinting for either CG or me to give her a ride.

Truth is the Hospice does not want her there before 1oam in the middle of the morning rush, getting in there way and demanding that Papa be 'looked after ' first only makes for uncomfortable for everyone. Her demanding only serves to make her even more unpopular and she does not quite get that no one any where tolerates this behaviour.

Bathing of patients and giving out medicines, helping them all with there breakfasts, the last thing the staff need is an tyrant telling them what and how they should be doing there job. Fuck, she is just unbelievable. I've had a phone call from the Sister in charge who has said Nona's histrionics will not be tolerated. How do I tell Nona she is a pain in everyone's arse?

I could not begin to tell what things I have been thinking this past little while. And I know that each and every time she 'plays up' like this, I get hooked. My tolerance for her diminishes more with each passing day, and I also know objectively I sound like the granddaughter from hell, truth is I know she is old, and I know she frightened, but she does not grasp that the universe does not revolve around her, making a sad and emotional time for every one even more so. She said to me yesterday 'it looks like Papa will go soon and she has to get ready for her collapse'.....WHAT?

Heaven help us all when she turns it on, all I can hope is I have enough Valium left to sedate her for a week or so and let us get on with the arrangements for Papa's burial. I will not ever forgive her for all this crap she has put all of us through, I actually have no idea how. In the back of my throat I feel the sobs only seconds away, always.

I remind myself to breathe, at this very moment, just breathe. I was told the other day that sometimes we have to give up even the good we want to do, life will do life irrespective of what we consider right and good. And in times wisdom we can relax and know we will be doing our part beautifully. The girlfriend who told me this has no idea how comforting it was to hear, and I will tell her the next time I see her with a long hug I remembered her words this morning as I watched myself spin out out. Thanks LK.

Still breathing.